What Happened to Me?

NOTE: I wrote this a few months ago, so my perspective is a bit skewed.  However, the message is still relevant.

What the hell happened to me?  Why can’t I focus?  Why did I settle for the bare minimum life has to offer?

There are parts of my life I love: my wife, my interest in blogging, volunteering for the church, and a few other things.

However, about 10-20 years ago, if you asked me: “Is this exactly how I wanted my life to be?”  Would I have said “yes”?

I think not.  So where’s the disconnect?  What is that thing that is precluding me from living the life I want to live?  From having what I want in life?  I don’t know.  Is it a lack of ambition?  Is it an absence of motivation?  Is it the removal of a part of myself that at one time was so hungry, I could not wait to get out the door and start my new day?  Again, the answer seems murky and clouded by other things: priorities, deliverables, shameless asides things that do not seem worth fighting for, thinking over, reckoning with.

I was having a pretty good day today:

– I had a decent handle on my workload

– I am on top of all of my deliverables for folks that need stuff from me

– I was looking forward to a weekend that is still a couple of days away

Something immediately changes all of that:

I get a call from my brother (younger by 4 years) telling me that he is heading back to CA to pack up his office, to gather up remnants of his life before he moves himself and his wife out of the home they own in Sacramento.  In the midst of the conversation, he tells me that he has an upcoming interview in Chicago for a job.  GREAT FOR HIM!  I’m happy.  Somebody wants to speak with my brother and potentially hire him.  No problem.  But what about me?  Where are the folks knocking on the door to hire me into their great companies?  What have I done that makes me not a good prospect?  Why am I still working paycheck to paycheck?  When do I get a break?

There is no great answer to these questions.  I don’t even know if there are “right” answers to these questions.  All I know is: things are not as clear to me as they used to be.  I used to think that if I just held out long enough, opportunities for what I wanted would spring up n front of me, but they haven’t.  I want certain things for myself, but I have to remember that to attain those goals, it takes time, effort, and work.  I need to get off my @$$ and set in motion those steps needed to make things happen for me, instead of just contemplating the might-be’s.

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